Healing Trauma - Everything else may be just a bandaid

One of many of my important discoveries has been that I can heal from Trauma. As I read Peter A. Levine's book "Waking the Tiger", I learned that Trauma is the root of my illness and always has been. At one point in my healing process I realized with the guidance of my counselor that I was receiving secondary gains by holding onto my illness. I never understood what "secondary gains" meant until I finally got it. I was getting the love and attention I needed by subjecting myself to a lot of pain and misery. Logically I couldn't believe how stupid that sounded. Go through misery to get love. Why not heal and get the love I want by asking for it in a way that would prove fruitful.

Reading the healing stories of those who had undergone Somatic Experiencing filled me with hope that I could heal too. I realized that my panic attacks in the car were just my bodies way of trying to relive the trauma so I could finish the healing process. Animals are rarely traumatized. They fight, flight or freeze. When they fight or flight and are safe the rush of adrenaline calms them down and makes them feel energized, good, and at peace. When they freeze, if the animal gets into a safe position it allows itself to continue the same process until it feels energized and calm. We can experience similar experiences when we have a brush with death. I remember getting out of a near car accident and after the danger had passed I felt that energetic rush and then the calm. This is how you know you are not traumatized. Your instinctual brain is allowed to flow freely just like that of an animal.

Now has humans, since we have a logic brain, we tend to override the instinctual brain with logic and when we freeze, which is very common, we hold onto the trauma and it continues to play out in our lives over again until we are able to let it go and move through it.

When a Tiger chases an animal at 50 mph and that animal freezes to protect itself. That animal's energy is still going 50 mph. When it is safe for the animal to get up and shakes and runs off the energy it can then be free of trauma.

When we go through a traumatic experience such as a car accident, fall, surgery etc. our bodies are giving off energy in the form of adrenaline and maybe even emotion. That energy keeps on flowing until we finish our run. This energy shows up as unexplained anxiety or panic attacks, agoraphobia, illness etc.

I loved the story in Peter's book about a lady who had a major panic attack in his office while in therapy. He took her through a somatic experience where her legs began to involuntarily move while running from imaginary danger. She shook and experience uncomfortable sensations and finally felt the exhilaration of release and calm. She never had another panic attack again. This gave me hope that I could heal from my panic attacks in the car and that I could regain my health.

I realized at that point that every thing I was doing; from breathing and relaxation exercises, as well as proper nutrition, avoidance of environmental toxins, and everything else would aid in my bodies healing. But if I didn't get to the root, I would continue to get back out of balance. I would be reliant on internal and external resources to keep me from falling apart again.

My perspective has changed dramatically since I read "Waking the Tiger". Healing my trauma is the most important thing I could do and everything else is just a tool in healing the negative physical effects trauma has had on me. How I deal with trauma in the future is how I will stay healthy. I'm grateful to my counselor for recommending this book and being able to help me with Somatic experiencing. It's been working great!

More on Point of Return a discovery well worth every cent!

Trying to find ways to taper off my Ativan and go onto an anti-depressant was the goal my Doctor and I had set. But this was very difficult. The first taper was unbearable...by day four I was having constant severe panic attacks and was trembling, had lost my appetite and was exhibiting all the symptoms I had had that led me to the hospital in the first place. I felt a pressure in my head and like I was going to lose control of my body. I immediately went back onto my full dose of Ativan again. I tried Zoloft but only on a 12.5 ml dose a day because my Dr. and I realized I was highly sensitive to any change. This was to raise the Serotonin levels in my brain in order to withdraw from my Ativan with less withdrawals. However...I was aggressive one moment and emotionally depressed and crying the next. When I hit the suicidal stage I was taken off of it immediately. My next option was Prozac. He said we could keep trying different meds until we found one that worked for me. This meant, you will suffer until you find one that works for you. I opted for the option of going up on my Trileptal and then down on my Ativan. Since going up on the Trileptal caused withdrawal symptoms I realized my options of going up or down and getting off were slim to none. After one more miserable try of withdrawing from the Ativan I gave up. In desperation I pleaded for God to help me find a solution to my problem. After this prayer I felt like I should go online and search under Ativan withdrawals. This same day I found Point of Return. I cried for joy knowing I had found the answer to my prayer. I felt hope for the first time since I started my meds.

I started my Point of Return program at the end of May 2009. After a two week adjustment period I began to feel energy flow back into my body. Since I had reached a tolerance level and did not want to go up on my Ativan I had felt weak and more anxious. With POR I could do more and felt like it was making up for the difference that my medications could not (unless I went up). I enjoyed a greater freedom from agoraphobia and could drive more freely and more often at greater distances.

What is Point of Return? It is four whole food supplements that gives your body what it needs most. 1) Glutithion is the body's #1 needed antioxidant and it feeds every part of the brain and body. My body was highly depleted of this wonderful food that helps my body detoxify and re balance my brain chemistry. It SUPPORTS my body and helps my immune system 2) fish oil; highly concentrated and of the purist form, another necessary brain food that helps my MOOD 3) Melatonin made from tart cherries which stimulates natural melatonin and serotonin production. This helps me to SLEEP better. 4) RELAX is a food that helps me to relax and does not interfere with my Ativan. I can take it as much as I need to relax and help me to sleep. None of these supplements interfere with my medications and they give me the support I need to balance out so my body can heal itself.

Things I have noticed since I started taking this;
More energy
Weight loss
Less Anxiety
Heart is calm and regulated
Streanth
Better sleep
No painful withdrawals from Ativan taper

Week one of Ativan Taper:
The first two days I needed to go up on some products to make my taper more comfortable. The POR staff helped me to make the necessary adjustments. This week I chalked it up as a learning experience that was positive. I'm withdrawing 5% per week with the help of a compounding pharmacy and am amazed at how well I feel. I have hit a few minor snags that like I said were taken care of by a kind and loving support group at POR. I love their motto, if you are feeling bad then you are doing something wrong! I think in regards to illness this can be said Universally...when we get sick it's our bodies way of telling us, you are doing something wrong here it's time to make some changes. With point of return, it's add this, tweak that and vwala RELIEF!!!!!!!! I love it! I feel like I've discovered a Gold Mine but I don't want to keep it a secret! Until next week!

My Fourth discovery....The "Anxiety and Phobia Workbook"

My fourth major discovery was the "Anxiety and Phobia Workbook" The 4th edition. This was more of a rediscovery. A friend of mine who was a counselor, social worker and professor suggested I read the book. I had bought it but was so anxious I couldn't calm down to relax. I found the book helpful in understanding my panic attacks but I needed physiological and medical help to be able to apply the exercises. I was too wound up and not open to taking any medications. The edition I had didn't have the natural suggestions, However, I had tried 5-htp, Gabba and Seredyn but they caused me more problems than helped. My medical doctor recommended it and suggested that I deal with my "tigers: and I would heal. I love this workbook because it covers so many aspects of anxiety. It confirmed my other and gave me so many helpful exercises that have helped my meds to work better and for me to make some exciting changes and discoveries. I was on my meds for a year without having to go up. I give this workbook alot of credit for this. I work in it everyday and feel so supported and hopeful that I can and will heal. The author and psychologist Edmun J. Bourne, PH.D, himself recovered from a similar illness. It's so nice to have the perspective of a professional, in the Field of anxiety and stress, that has trodden a path to healing for those of us to follow. He explains brain function and how panic and anxiety works, he teaches how to breath and relax, cope with panic and overcome panic and phobias, Overcome negative self-talk and mistaken beliefs. He addresses self-esteem and ways to nurture yourself, live your dreams and be more connected spiritually. He also covers issues on nutrition, Prescription meds and natural alternatives, and Anxiety triggering health conditions such as PMS, Andrenal Exhaustion, Thyroid, Candidas, Allergies, Hypoglycemia etc. Having this resource has aided me in my slow 5% tapering process from my Ativan. I've been more relaxed and rested. I'm dealing with the underlining reasons for my anxiety and illness which takes off so much stress from my body. This book has been a must have and has sped up my healing light years.

My third discovery....if I had it to do over I would have...

My third discovery was prescription medications and that I did not like them. However, it was the best discovery for the crises I was in. Failure to thrive, severe chemical and hormonal imbalance and adrenal exhaustion. The meds would control my hyper-anxiety and panic. When taking the ativan I could eat what ever I wanted with exception of sugar, chocolate, white flour, and dairy. It was so nice to be able to eat carrots, eggs, chicken, and so many other foods I had been without for so long. I found that with a healthy variety of nutrition, my meds were more effective. So what of food allergies? When my brain chemistry was balanced there were no allergies or they were being covered up by the meds? It still is a mystery and a question lurking in the back of my mind waiting to be answered. I took my trileptal for to stabilize my mood and my marriage began to heal. My husband had a new stable job and our finances were tight but stable. I found support from my new Church family and I began to adjust to my new home. I found a kind expressive therapist who helped me more in one session than in my 12 years if counseling combined. I found that if I rested enough, got good sleep, and paced myself I could do the morning dishes and one load of laundry and then take a long break. I could make dinner and spend time with the family. I could drive further and further and around town with ease. I began to get my life back. I did have a lot of ups and downs with various Dr and med changes. I finally leveled out but still could physically do so little. I could not make commitments of any sort because of the pressure and stress it would bring me. I had to learn how to slow down, relax and give quiet service which helped a lot. Days I would overload myself, I would relapse and it would take several down days to regain my strength and level out. I began doing Tia Chi for 10 minutes and worked my way up to 20 to 30 minutes a day over a months time. This was the only exercise I could do without stressing my body out. Anything else was way too strenuous and would make me sick for days. My conclusion was that I had a sever chemical imbalance caused from a multitude of things ranging from childhood trauma, post traumatic stress, unmet needs, poor nutrition, negative thinking, lack of exercise, and the molds and chemicals, With financial and marriage stress added to the picture these were just the finals straws that sent my body into a downward spiral and it couldn't take anymore. If I had it to do over I would have skipped the meds and gone straight to Point of Return. The meds caused a lot of emotional pain and were highly unpredictable. I was reliant on them. That in and of itself was very scary. But now that I've had this horrendous experience I can warn others first hand....This is not a place you want to go and there are other options. I understand that medications are important and have helped alot of people including me at a very critical time. I am grateful to the caring and helpful Medical Doctors who have led me through my healing process. They were there when I needed immediate critical help.

I've had a lot of emotional pain over the course of my life but nothing holds a candle to the pain I experienced in one moment of side effects and terrible withdraws from the medications. Point of return (whole food supplements I'm on now) would have enabled my body to heal and balance itself without having to go through a medication and tapering withdrawal process. I would have saved myself a lot of pain,time and money if I had done this before I hit my crises. Prevention is the key here. But sometimes it takes a major crises to help us and our loved ones wake up and take action. Instead I'm in here for the long haul and will be off my meds in about a year. For more information on Point of Return visit: wwwpointofreturn.com

Journey continued - Hidden poisons

Dealing with my Illness through food helped but I knew there was more to it. My second conclusion was that I had an "Environmental" Illness. This idea came over time and with online research about allergies. I felt much better when I would use natural cleaners, toothpaste, and shampoo. I stopped wearing make-up and any chemicals for hair dying, teeth whitening, eyebrow waxing, etc. I got a plastic mattress cover and hypo-allergenic pillows and looked into air purifiers. I got a $150.00 reverse osmosis water purifier from "Aqua wizard" since arsenic had been found in our ground water as well as city water. I could not avoid the chemicals used to remodel our home in the fall. Therefore, in the late winter, early spring I would notice that when I would open the windows I would feel a lot better. Our heater brought another issue. One night when our heater came on, within ten minutes my husband and I felt dizzy and like we were going to pass out. We didn't run it for two nights and neither of us had those symptoms until we ran the heater again. We got a brand new heater. As the old one was being wheeled out we could see black soot pouring out of the back piping. Our heating and air guy asked us if we were aware that we were using a forty year old propane heater jimmy rigged to run on gas. We had only lived in this house for two years and had no idea. We suspected carbon monoxide poisoning because of my symptoms. I discovered oxygen therapy but couldn't afford it. Being agoraphobia, it made me cringe to think of being locked down in an air tight chamber. My problems lessened but didn't go away like I thought they would. The heating and air company came back and set up an "Airadvice" for free. It took air samples for two weeks. When the tests came back it showed that the pet dander, mold, dust, and other environmental toxins were off the charts. But they only would go off the charts while the heating system would run. This is after we paid to have the air ducts cleaned. They tried to sell us a air filter for the heater but we couldn't afford it. I began trying to take care of the allergens myself. I had seen mold in my daughter's room. I had my dad pull up the carpet and cut out Sheetrock from the new addition and sure enough "Black Mold". We had to do the mold remediation ourselves and lived in a hotel until it was finished. My husband developed similar symptoms to mine after being in contact with the mold. His and my health declined and with mine and his health problems and him being low on work during our busiest season this added an immense amount of stress that just amplified our anxiety, panic and symptoms. I would feel fine and then he would have a panic attack which would throw me into a panic attack and we would do this until we finally had to start going to the neighbors for help. He would go to the ER feeling like he was going to pass out and was sent home with xanaxs and ativan after speaking to a counselor. I realized I had a severe chemical imbalance with my hormones, thyroid and brain. My holistic doctors has mentioned that I had a thyroid problem and hormone imbalances before. I had discovered a need for amino acids and other brain food in my online research but could not afford the program I had found (Point of Return). My husband was losing his business and we would be relocating for a job offer he had received. We were surviving on credit cards and help from our church. I started an inexpensive brand of fish oil and called it good. We had spent so much of our money on my Dr. visits, testing, herbs that made things worse (with exception of the "Blood circulation" formula from Dr. Christopher. My hands were cold and knumb and I had to sit in front of a heater even in the summer until I started taking this). Mold remediation, the new heater and the list goes on....my husband would not support one more try at finding help. He and his family had decided it was all in my head and I was burdening everyone emotionally and financially. I just needed to think more positively and stop being so negative and not focus on myself. My conclusion was that the overuse and over exposure of chemicals and other environmental toxins can overload the body and create hyper states of anxiety and adrenal exhaustion. Elimination of as many of these toxins to the best of our ability can take stress off of our body's just like eliminating stressful foods from our diets. I even noticed a difference after we got rid of our indoor cats after I found out I was allergic to them too. This awareness and elimination allows our body's to better cleanse and heal. I realized it wasn't just about the food or my toxic surroundings, it was also the stress of financial and marital strain. All these things depleted my body of essential brain food and nutrients making it harder to be positive and happy which leads to another piece of my puzzle.....

Start of my Journey...Allergies or Anxiety?

Looking back on where I started on my journey and where I am now, I am amazed at how little I knew but I thought I knew. When I reach a place I think I have a pretty good explanation and solution for my illness, I am astounded but grateful when I find, on my continual search, the deeper roots and solutions that I've been hoping for.

When I was first sick I was just dealing with chronic fatigue, lack of energy, and recurring cold and stomach flues. I had anxiety, occasional panic attacks and IBS. I went from being sick quarterly, then every other month and then monthly. I would get well enough from resting to gain enough energy to fool myself that I had regained my health and would go on a cleaning spree to make up for my down time. This of course would put me into another cycle of sickness. At Christmas time, in the days of little sunshine and a lot of stress I finally cracked. I lived with anxiety daily but this time my anxiety was heightened and constant. If I ate any common food, whether healthy or not my anxiety level would amplify even greater. I was more than miserable. It was unbearable. I would almost pass out every night as I was falling asleep and I would wake up gasping for air. If I tried to even do the smallest task my heart felt like it was going to pound out of my chest, my legs and chest would ache and burn and I would be struggling for air. I would immediately have to lie down. I began to confine myself to bed rest and my computer to search for a solution. The doctors said I was fine and all my tests came back normal. I began consulting my local health food store and holistic chiropractors for solutions. I consulted with my mom who had had health problems starting around my same age (early thirties). She had all the same symptoms and after fifteen years of searching she was diagnosed with Lupus.

My journey has been more of a determination to get to the bottom of my illness, heal, and get on with my life. Having a lot of business experience so I went about it like I would a project. I put my plan together and ventured out to conquer with no question in my mind that I would do otherwise. But as head strong as I am, I've had to realize that healing takes time and has so many more facets, angles, twists and turns that can set me back or hurl me forward.

My first discovery was that I could control my anxiety with food. I started out thinking I just had severe food allergies and Candida. I would go into shock eating certain foods and using hair dye and make-up. I found Dr. Crooks "Yeast Connection Cook book" very informative and helpful. I eliminated all common foods and began to notice a huge difference within two weeks of eating a lot of uncommon vegetables, grains and other unprocessed foods. If I relapsed I would have to wait a few days for my severe anxiety to subside. Enzymes would help my digestion and Tri-salts would bring me down out of a food or chemical related anxiety attack. If I rested I felt better but would get so depressed about my messy house I would clean and relapse over and over. I went on like this as well as trying different herbal remedies that flared up my anxiety instead of helping me. I tried NAET which is an allergy reversal process that my body was not ready for. My final two treatments resulted in a trip to the ER experiencing sever Mania and panic. I did learn how to use certain pressure points to aid in my digestion. I also learned some valuable information about our negative perceptions or experiences about or around certain foods and how they can cause our bodies to reject those foods causing food allergies or intolerance's. Preparing, eating and sharing food should be done with a positive mind set with love, care and relaxation, to aid in proper digestion and assimilation. This was just some of the discoveries I made at the beginning of my journey that I have found profoundly helpful. I have many more discoveries to post that I hope you will find helpful on your journey to heal.

So my conclusion at the time was that if I had only listened to my body and eaten only foods that agreed with my bowels that I would not have gotten sick. I blamed it on constantly eating foods that make me sick instead of eating the way I knew I should eat. I learned a lot of valuable lessons in health and nutrition such as food rotation (over eating of the same foods can cause food intolerance), using pure olive oil and never burning it, staying away from nitrates and processed meat, I learned that there are so many more varieties of grains and vegetables that makes eating healthy more exciting. I added legumes, nuts, seeds and fish to my diet. So many good things have come out of this one discovery. But it's only one piece of a giant puzzle I have been piecing together.

Drawing therapy works great with Kids. Obsessive compulsive thoughts gone

My son was struggling in school and was showing signs of Post traumatic stress from our move and the trauma he had just watched me go through as well. So I handed him a blank piece of paper and a pen and had him draw his day. When I saw his paper and he told me about his picture I was stunned to see images of death and violence. He was only aloud to see G and PG movies so I was surprised. He had quit a vivid imagination and alot of fears. After he had finished, he skipped off cheerfully and did much better in school over the next several months. One moment he was in a panic and the next he was happy and free.

A few weeks ago while talking with my son at his bedside, he expressed to me that he had these terrible thoughts going through his head that wouldn't leave his mind. He was hitting his head and telling the thoughts to go away and leave him alone. So I again handed him a blank paper and a crayon and he began to draw. Of course the picture and theme was different but the thoughts were violent and death related. After he told me about his picture (I always ask, So, tell me about your drawing), I asked, how are your thoughts now? He said "they're gone. I'm trying to think of what I was thinking about and I can't". One other thing I did ask him to do was to pray and ask his Heavenly Father for help. I think the combination of divine help and expressive therapy made a nice outlet for his obsessive and traumatic thoughts to flee.

I was talking to a mom at play group the other day and she was telling me about her son having to be held down for an x-ray at the doctor. He of course was traumatized. Who wouldn't be. This conversation triggered my own memories of similar circumstances. Eye surgery at age three was the biggest one that came to mind. I took the opportunity to draw about it and the other situations (I just remembered vaccinations- I should draw that next).
After I was done I felt lighter, happier, like one more brick had been taken out of my backpack. I realized I'm still not done, I have childhood photos and diaries yet to go through. The deeper I dive the more I release, and the lighter I feel. The same goes for children. They just get a bigger head start at enjoying more peace and prosperity in their lives.

Expressive therapy - some tools that changed my life

Three weeks from when I started on my medications I moved five hours away from all my immediate family and my comfort zone (my home). I was agoraphobic and was not completely regulated on my meds. I was terrified having been drugged to get from one location to the other and awakened in a strange town where I knew noone.  I still suffered from severe anxiety and relied on a few tools I had learned in counseling and my Ativan. I began seeing a new counselor. But this counselor was much different than any of the five counselors I had been to. Of course each counselor brought me closer to healing but I always found myself never really truly getting to the bottom of my problems. I would get so far and move on.

My first day in therapy was over the phone. I was so scared of driving I couldn't even make it to the first several appointments. The first assignment he gave me was to; Get some colored markers and construction paper.

He said that when you feel anxiety at any time that I needed to draw what I feel. It could be a picture, words, phrases, situations etc. He said to get my kids involved with coloring and they would just think it was a bunch of fun and games.

I purchased my markers, paper, and a thick notebook. The first time I took his advise was when my family and I were driving in the car a few blocks away from my home (this was very difficult for me) I felt a huge surge of anxiety and was near panic. I was hot, away from my comfort zone, and my meds were not working very well. So I grabbed my notebook and a red marker and scribbled and huge mass of emotions. I calmed down immediately. It really worked. My 7 year old son piped up from the back seat, "Mom, that's not a drawing, that's just scribble." I said, "I know, but it's how I feel". The next time I felt anxiety in the car it was not as strong so I began to scribble less and less. I began asking myself, as my counselor asked me, what is behind the anxiety? Why am I feeling this way? I began drawing traumatic car accidents I had been in, childhood and other traumas surfaced, within two weeks I had filled up this entire notebook of my life.

I felt calmer, my meds began to work better, I was able to drive without as much anxiety and over time I was able to get to my counselor who was a long drive away. I began driving around town with more ease and was even able to start grocery shopping and adding simple household chores such as dishes and one load of laundry a day. As long as I stuck to a simple routine and didn't over do it I, could keep most of my anxiety at bay.

Why did this technique take so much stress of my adrenals? My understanding of what my counselor said was that our right brain replays all of our traumatic events over and over. (That would explain the years and years of terrible unexplained anxiety that I felt and would cover up with excessive busyness.) He said that our right brains do not know the difference between what is real or perceived. For example if we watch a scary TV show our right brain excepts what it is viewing is real and dangerous and of course we go into fight and flight. We feel anxious or sometimes a little panicky. Our left brain is more logical and for some reason when we draw the traumatic event on paper it takes the event playing in our right brain and releases it. Our right brain no longer keeps it on instant replay.

When he told me this I could not believe my ears but I put it to the test myself and it really does work.

He suggested I draw my day five minutes before bed to help me wind down.

Why I started this bog.

I've been wanting to start this blog for a long time. I have several friends and alot of family members who are suffering from illness similar to mine.

On my journey through this MYSTERY illness, I realized there was a bigger picture to my problems that didn't start with my current symptoms. They started at childhood and continued to worsen until my body could take no more. At first I thought I had severe allergies, then an "environmental illness".  I was already suffering from sever anxiety, panic, post traumatic stress and agoraphobia. I reached a point I would barely even leave my house and the panic attacks worsened until I ended up in the hospital ER with adrenal exhaustion. The first hospital visit was from severe panic and the second one was from severe withdrawals from Ativan and Paxil I had been given at the previous hospital excursion. Having been to doctor after Doctor with no findings and reasoning for my nightly episodes of falling out of consciousness and waking up gasping for air, the hospital's finding were the same. I was prescribed Ativan for the anxiety and panic and immediately calmed down from the terrible withdrawals. Later I was prescribed Trileptal for Bi-polar and was also diagnosed with social phobia, ADHD, Post traumatic stress syndrom, and PMS. Later I was diagnosed with failure to thrive and toxicity to the brain. My body was shutting itself down by rejecting food, water and sleep. The medications worked miracles and I was able to eat almost anything I wanted, I was able to get up from bed rest and do a few household chores. I was calm most of the time, which to my husband this was an absolute miracle. I was no longer almost blacking out and felt a lot better, with exceptions of unnecessary medication changes and the usual ups and downs of PMS. There are so many helpful resources and information that has made my road to recovery much easier. I hope those suffering as I have can find my upcoming posts helpful and healing. You are not alone!

With much concern for those I love and for all who know what it's like to be down and out, healing is possible.