Journey continued - Hidden poisons

Dealing with my Illness through food helped but I knew there was more to it. My second conclusion was that I had an "Environmental" Illness. This idea came over time and with online research about allergies. I felt much better when I would use natural cleaners, toothpaste, and shampoo. I stopped wearing make-up and any chemicals for hair dying, teeth whitening, eyebrow waxing, etc. I got a plastic mattress cover and hypo-allergenic pillows and looked into air purifiers. I got a $150.00 reverse osmosis water purifier from "Aqua wizard" since arsenic had been found in our ground water as well as city water. I could not avoid the chemicals used to remodel our home in the fall. Therefore, in the late winter, early spring I would notice that when I would open the windows I would feel a lot better. Our heater brought another issue. One night when our heater came on, within ten minutes my husband and I felt dizzy and like we were going to pass out. We didn't run it for two nights and neither of us had those symptoms until we ran the heater again. We got a brand new heater. As the old one was being wheeled out we could see black soot pouring out of the back piping. Our heating and air guy asked us if we were aware that we were using a forty year old propane heater jimmy rigged to run on gas. We had only lived in this house for two years and had no idea. We suspected carbon monoxide poisoning because of my symptoms. I discovered oxygen therapy but couldn't afford it. Being agoraphobia, it made me cringe to think of being locked down in an air tight chamber. My problems lessened but didn't go away like I thought they would. The heating and air company came back and set up an "Airadvice" for free. It took air samples for two weeks. When the tests came back it showed that the pet dander, mold, dust, and other environmental toxins were off the charts. But they only would go off the charts while the heating system would run. This is after we paid to have the air ducts cleaned. They tried to sell us a air filter for the heater but we couldn't afford it. I began trying to take care of the allergens myself. I had seen mold in my daughter's room. I had my dad pull up the carpet and cut out Sheetrock from the new addition and sure enough "Black Mold". We had to do the mold remediation ourselves and lived in a hotel until it was finished. My husband developed similar symptoms to mine after being in contact with the mold. His and my health declined and with mine and his health problems and him being low on work during our busiest season this added an immense amount of stress that just amplified our anxiety, panic and symptoms. I would feel fine and then he would have a panic attack which would throw me into a panic attack and we would do this until we finally had to start going to the neighbors for help. He would go to the ER feeling like he was going to pass out and was sent home with xanaxs and ativan after speaking to a counselor. I realized I had a severe chemical imbalance with my hormones, thyroid and brain. My holistic doctors has mentioned that I had a thyroid problem and hormone imbalances before. I had discovered a need for amino acids and other brain food in my online research but could not afford the program I had found (Point of Return). My husband was losing his business and we would be relocating for a job offer he had received. We were surviving on credit cards and help from our church. I started an inexpensive brand of fish oil and called it good. We had spent so much of our money on my Dr. visits, testing, herbs that made things worse (with exception of the "Blood circulation" formula from Dr. Christopher. My hands were cold and knumb and I had to sit in front of a heater even in the summer until I started taking this). Mold remediation, the new heater and the list goes on....my husband would not support one more try at finding help. He and his family had decided it was all in my head and I was burdening everyone emotionally and financially. I just needed to think more positively and stop being so negative and not focus on myself. My conclusion was that the overuse and over exposure of chemicals and other environmental toxins can overload the body and create hyper states of anxiety and adrenal exhaustion. Elimination of as many of these toxins to the best of our ability can take stress off of our body's just like eliminating stressful foods from our diets. I even noticed a difference after we got rid of our indoor cats after I found out I was allergic to them too. This awareness and elimination allows our body's to better cleanse and heal. I realized it wasn't just about the food or my toxic surroundings, it was also the stress of financial and marital strain. All these things depleted my body of essential brain food and nutrients making it harder to be positive and happy which leads to another piece of my puzzle.....

Start of my Journey...Allergies or Anxiety?

Looking back on where I started on my journey and where I am now, I am amazed at how little I knew but I thought I knew. When I reach a place I think I have a pretty good explanation and solution for my illness, I am astounded but grateful when I find, on my continual search, the deeper roots and solutions that I've been hoping for.

When I was first sick I was just dealing with chronic fatigue, lack of energy, and recurring cold and stomach flues. I had anxiety, occasional panic attacks and IBS. I went from being sick quarterly, then every other month and then monthly. I would get well enough from resting to gain enough energy to fool myself that I had regained my health and would go on a cleaning spree to make up for my down time. This of course would put me into another cycle of sickness. At Christmas time, in the days of little sunshine and a lot of stress I finally cracked. I lived with anxiety daily but this time my anxiety was heightened and constant. If I ate any common food, whether healthy or not my anxiety level would amplify even greater. I was more than miserable. It was unbearable. I would almost pass out every night as I was falling asleep and I would wake up gasping for air. If I tried to even do the smallest task my heart felt like it was going to pound out of my chest, my legs and chest would ache and burn and I would be struggling for air. I would immediately have to lie down. I began to confine myself to bed rest and my computer to search for a solution. The doctors said I was fine and all my tests came back normal. I began consulting my local health food store and holistic chiropractors for solutions. I consulted with my mom who had had health problems starting around my same age (early thirties). She had all the same symptoms and after fifteen years of searching she was diagnosed with Lupus.

My journey has been more of a determination to get to the bottom of my illness, heal, and get on with my life. Having a lot of business experience so I went about it like I would a project. I put my plan together and ventured out to conquer with no question in my mind that I would do otherwise. But as head strong as I am, I've had to realize that healing takes time and has so many more facets, angles, twists and turns that can set me back or hurl me forward.

My first discovery was that I could control my anxiety with food. I started out thinking I just had severe food allergies and Candida. I would go into shock eating certain foods and using hair dye and make-up. I found Dr. Crooks "Yeast Connection Cook book" very informative and helpful. I eliminated all common foods and began to notice a huge difference within two weeks of eating a lot of uncommon vegetables, grains and other unprocessed foods. If I relapsed I would have to wait a few days for my severe anxiety to subside. Enzymes would help my digestion and Tri-salts would bring me down out of a food or chemical related anxiety attack. If I rested I felt better but would get so depressed about my messy house I would clean and relapse over and over. I went on like this as well as trying different herbal remedies that flared up my anxiety instead of helping me. I tried NAET which is an allergy reversal process that my body was not ready for. My final two treatments resulted in a trip to the ER experiencing sever Mania and panic. I did learn how to use certain pressure points to aid in my digestion. I also learned some valuable information about our negative perceptions or experiences about or around certain foods and how they can cause our bodies to reject those foods causing food allergies or intolerance's. Preparing, eating and sharing food should be done with a positive mind set with love, care and relaxation, to aid in proper digestion and assimilation. This was just some of the discoveries I made at the beginning of my journey that I have found profoundly helpful. I have many more discoveries to post that I hope you will find helpful on your journey to heal.

So my conclusion at the time was that if I had only listened to my body and eaten only foods that agreed with my bowels that I would not have gotten sick. I blamed it on constantly eating foods that make me sick instead of eating the way I knew I should eat. I learned a lot of valuable lessons in health and nutrition such as food rotation (over eating of the same foods can cause food intolerance), using pure olive oil and never burning it, staying away from nitrates and processed meat, I learned that there are so many more varieties of grains and vegetables that makes eating healthy more exciting. I added legumes, nuts, seeds and fish to my diet. So many good things have come out of this one discovery. But it's only one piece of a giant puzzle I have been piecing together.

Drawing therapy works great with Kids. Obsessive compulsive thoughts gone

My son was struggling in school and was showing signs of Post traumatic stress from our move and the trauma he had just watched me go through as well. So I handed him a blank piece of paper and a pen and had him draw his day. When I saw his paper and he told me about his picture I was stunned to see images of death and violence. He was only aloud to see G and PG movies so I was surprised. He had quit a vivid imagination and alot of fears. After he had finished, he skipped off cheerfully and did much better in school over the next several months. One moment he was in a panic and the next he was happy and free.

A few weeks ago while talking with my son at his bedside, he expressed to me that he had these terrible thoughts going through his head that wouldn't leave his mind. He was hitting his head and telling the thoughts to go away and leave him alone. So I again handed him a blank paper and a crayon and he began to draw. Of course the picture and theme was different but the thoughts were violent and death related. After he told me about his picture (I always ask, So, tell me about your drawing), I asked, how are your thoughts now? He said "they're gone. I'm trying to think of what I was thinking about and I can't". One other thing I did ask him to do was to pray and ask his Heavenly Father for help. I think the combination of divine help and expressive therapy made a nice outlet for his obsessive and traumatic thoughts to flee.

I was talking to a mom at play group the other day and she was telling me about her son having to be held down for an x-ray at the doctor. He of course was traumatized. Who wouldn't be. This conversation triggered my own memories of similar circumstances. Eye surgery at age three was the biggest one that came to mind. I took the opportunity to draw about it and the other situations (I just remembered vaccinations- I should draw that next).
After I was done I felt lighter, happier, like one more brick had been taken out of my backpack. I realized I'm still not done, I have childhood photos and diaries yet to go through. The deeper I dive the more I release, and the lighter I feel. The same goes for children. They just get a bigger head start at enjoying more peace and prosperity in their lives.

Expressive therapy - some tools that changed my life

Three weeks from when I started on my medications I moved five hours away from all my immediate family and my comfort zone (my home). I was agoraphobic and was not completely regulated on my meds. I was terrified having been drugged to get from one location to the other and awakened in a strange town where I knew noone.  I still suffered from severe anxiety and relied on a few tools I had learned in counseling and my Ativan. I began seeing a new counselor. But this counselor was much different than any of the five counselors I had been to. Of course each counselor brought me closer to healing but I always found myself never really truly getting to the bottom of my problems. I would get so far and move on.

My first day in therapy was over the phone. I was so scared of driving I couldn't even make it to the first several appointments. The first assignment he gave me was to; Get some colored markers and construction paper.

He said that when you feel anxiety at any time that I needed to draw what I feel. It could be a picture, words, phrases, situations etc. He said to get my kids involved with coloring and they would just think it was a bunch of fun and games.

I purchased my markers, paper, and a thick notebook. The first time I took his advise was when my family and I were driving in the car a few blocks away from my home (this was very difficult for me) I felt a huge surge of anxiety and was near panic. I was hot, away from my comfort zone, and my meds were not working very well. So I grabbed my notebook and a red marker and scribbled and huge mass of emotions. I calmed down immediately. It really worked. My 7 year old son piped up from the back seat, "Mom, that's not a drawing, that's just scribble." I said, "I know, but it's how I feel". The next time I felt anxiety in the car it was not as strong so I began to scribble less and less. I began asking myself, as my counselor asked me, what is behind the anxiety? Why am I feeling this way? I began drawing traumatic car accidents I had been in, childhood and other traumas surfaced, within two weeks I had filled up this entire notebook of my life.

I felt calmer, my meds began to work better, I was able to drive without as much anxiety and over time I was able to get to my counselor who was a long drive away. I began driving around town with more ease and was even able to start grocery shopping and adding simple household chores such as dishes and one load of laundry a day. As long as I stuck to a simple routine and didn't over do it I, could keep most of my anxiety at bay.

Why did this technique take so much stress of my adrenals? My understanding of what my counselor said was that our right brain replays all of our traumatic events over and over. (That would explain the years and years of terrible unexplained anxiety that I felt and would cover up with excessive busyness.) He said that our right brains do not know the difference between what is real or perceived. For example if we watch a scary TV show our right brain excepts what it is viewing is real and dangerous and of course we go into fight and flight. We feel anxious or sometimes a little panicky. Our left brain is more logical and for some reason when we draw the traumatic event on paper it takes the event playing in our right brain and releases it. Our right brain no longer keeps it on instant replay.

When he told me this I could not believe my ears but I put it to the test myself and it really does work.

He suggested I draw my day five minutes before bed to help me wind down.

Why I started this bog.

I've been wanting to start this blog for a long time. I have several friends and alot of family members who are suffering from illness similar to mine.

On my journey through this MYSTERY illness, I realized there was a bigger picture to my problems that didn't start with my current symptoms. They started at childhood and continued to worsen until my body could take no more. At first I thought I had severe allergies, then an "environmental illness".  I was already suffering from sever anxiety, panic, post traumatic stress and agoraphobia. I reached a point I would barely even leave my house and the panic attacks worsened until I ended up in the hospital ER with adrenal exhaustion. The first hospital visit was from severe panic and the second one was from severe withdrawals from Ativan and Paxil I had been given at the previous hospital excursion. Having been to doctor after Doctor with no findings and reasoning for my nightly episodes of falling out of consciousness and waking up gasping for air, the hospital's finding were the same. I was prescribed Ativan for the anxiety and panic and immediately calmed down from the terrible withdrawals. Later I was prescribed Trileptal for Bi-polar and was also diagnosed with social phobia, ADHD, Post traumatic stress syndrom, and PMS. Later I was diagnosed with failure to thrive and toxicity to the brain. My body was shutting itself down by rejecting food, water and sleep. The medications worked miracles and I was able to eat almost anything I wanted, I was able to get up from bed rest and do a few household chores. I was calm most of the time, which to my husband this was an absolute miracle. I was no longer almost blacking out and felt a lot better, with exceptions of unnecessary medication changes and the usual ups and downs of PMS. There are so many helpful resources and information that has made my road to recovery much easier. I hope those suffering as I have can find my upcoming posts helpful and healing. You are not alone!

With much concern for those I love and for all who know what it's like to be down and out, healing is possible.