In the introduction to Dr. Tom Cowan’s book, The Fourfold Path to Healing, written with co-authors Sally Fallon and Jaimen McMillan, Dr. Cowan points out that some patients heal and some don't even with the same treatment and care. He treated 10 women with female issues and all healed but three. The three eventually healed when they resolved their relationship issues or divorced. I can relate to this story. I tried everything under the sun to heal and finally am feeling better after I got divorced. When my ex-husband's negative energy left my space, I felt a lot of relief.
My mom became ill at 30 because of all the relationship trauma she had experienced throughout her life. I remember her telling me her doctor said it was an emotional illness caused by childhood neglect and verbal abuse from my dad. I repeated her mistake but am fixing it much sooner than she did thank goodness! I hope this helps those suffering to take a closer look at their relationships and get the help they need before it's too late. I waited way too long.
But there is more to it than just trauma. Self betrayal was also a factor. Putting myself in a position to deny my true authenticity killed my soul. Allowing myself to be in a marriage I didn't feel right about in the first place put me on a path of anxiety that led to further health problems. It can also be said that allowing oneself to remain in an unhealthy situation even if it was once authentic is one in the same. Putting oneself in a position to get your heart broken regularly is also self betrayal. Why did I choose to be in a relationship where I didn't feel authentic? Is was safe or so I thought. Why did cutting myself off from love feel safe? Because it was what I grew up with. It's what was familiar. I was terribly scared of men so when I became friends with a man who asked me to marry him I did not feel vulnerable and that was safer for me. We did not have any connection but a religious one. With no emotional connection or physical attraction, I was free to remain numb. Pushing away suitors I was actually interested in and felt right about was common place because I could not handle the feelings associated with my attraction for them. I felt the rejection would be too deep for me to handle so I would generally run the other direction even though they would be chasing. They would eventually give up to my disappointment, my heart would break and I would start the cycle over. I had rebounded onto my husband to be after one of these heart breaks and felt a safe friendship but I was not being true to my heart. Something just never felt right. There were too many differences and the lack of love, genuine compatibility and attraction stifled the friendship before the marriage even started. Having felt pressured to marry by him and our families I said I do with a heart full of doubt and anxiety. The relationship spiraled downward from there and my health with it.
In Linda Goodman's “Star Signs” She says “How many engineers dream of being physicians, and how many doctors dreams of being engineers? How many Scientists dream of being musicians? There are millions upon millions of men and women who are discontented, depressed, and unhappy square pegs in round holes. Whose talents, abilities and daydreams (in reality, the wise urgings of the higher self) are sadly mismatched with the way they earn their daily bread. It's a tragic waste of human happiness and joy, which are the birthright of every individual on earth.” The same goes for relationships. How many mismatched and misguided couples are out there suffering through there marriage when there is true joy to be found in true authenticity.
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A counselor helped me discover that I was looking for meaning in my marriage. There was no meaning because we could not connect except for when it came to religion. I was so focused on my religious doctrines that I overlooked all the other important ones. I have come to realize how important it is to be not only spiritually attracted but also physically, emotionally and mentally as well. I was denying parts of my true self by putting myself in a place where there lacked true validation and oneness in these areas. Where there was a lacking in these areas, my husband decided to exercise control over me. He pushed on me his ideas of what he wanted me to be. I'm sure it went both ways. Each with unrealistic expectations of the other. What I discovered later that these expectations were not wrong for us to have they were just wrong for us to have them for each other. Our marriage counselor helped us to see this clearly right before the divorce and it has helped me be more aware that it's important to find a mate that meets or exceeds those expectations already. It's never fair to anyone to expect them to change for you. In “Emotional Sobriety” by Tian Dayton (www.tiandayton.com), he talks about how if a relationship feels good and you feel good endorphins you move towards that for a reason because it feels right. But if you feel bad around someone it is a sign to stay away. This described my marriage perfectly. I felt terrible emotionally and physically when I was married to him.
As I read Co-dependents no more by Melody Beattie (www.melodybeatie.com). I was reminded that I must become whole myself before entering another relationship. It is not those feelings that are wrong, it is allowing those feelings to lead me into a situation that is not healthy for me that is wrong. I was pretty excited to learn that I was already doing a lot of the self care. For me the biggest thing was getting untangled in the enmeshment with my ex-husband. After the divorce my freedom was natural and healing. In my case, I was just with the wrong relationship.
Tian Dayton says that our brain needs certain endorphins and opiates “natures drugs” to sustain us. I used to think this was a sign of co-dependency and weakness to except that kind of love but when I read this I allowed this belief to shift. It was the only way I could actually heal. Allowing myself to except the love around me and find hope again literally began to heal my brain. I noticed a profound difference once I was divorced. I not only eliminated the lack of love but was able to except the love God wanted to bless me with in return. Love for myself and the love of others God brought into my life. I was no longer trapped and this allowed me to finally love myself which was the greatest love of all. So truly I have concluded that love is truely the answer.
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